I left you.
But not forever, just a few days and for a good reason.
My grandmother (you know her as "GG" Supernaw) was hitting an amazing milestone (her 90th birthday!), and I really wanted to be there to celebrate with her. The party was all the way up in Michigan, and also on a weekday! For those two (and a host of other reasons), I thought it would be best to travel solo on this adventure. I may have repeated "deep breaths, mommy you got this" a few times in my head, but in the end everything was just fine.
Let me tell you the story...
Before I left, I wrote a thousand notes to dad, and organized things to an absurdly OCD level. I know that daddy didn't really need them (and most likely was just entertained by the content), but it made me feel better! Making sure you are all taken care of and loved beyond measure is most definitely my #1 priority in life.
I had no one to look after. No one to feed, or take to the bathroom. I wasn't worried about how many pink squares I had in my purse. I wasn't praying that the sound of the plane would hum you to sleep, or decrease our risk for outbursts or meltdowns. My bag of tricks only contained magazines and milk duds. And that's all I needed. Weird.
Unfortunately there's not yet a truly autism friendly airline or flight (not yet anyway)...oh how I wish there was. We'd fly ALL THE TIME! Seriously! Some airlines make solid attempts to be kid friendly, but those wing pins are sharp for you and you'd be sure to take a good taste of any sticker given. Surely you're not getting an opportunity to go "meet the pilot" of the plane! Could you imagine?!?! All those lights and buttons! - "Oh what does this one do?!?" Sending everyone into a panic wishing they'd paid attention to the safety demonstration! Yikes, no thanks!
I found my seat and became flooded with worst case scenarios (I too have a lot of anxiety). I must have looked over the safety pamphlet a couple 100x's before we took off. Prayed. And then prayed some more. I paid extra close attention to the flight attendants safety instructions that I'm confident she could do in her sleep. There was a moment when we landed that I found myself with my heart racing and nauseous. All I could hear was this crazy loud drilling noise (probably just releasing the doors for the luggage and such) that I just knew it would've sent you into fight or flight mode leaving us all to suffer the wrath. Knowing all good and well you weren't there, I still couldn't help but feel the full blown anxiety as if you were.
I am beyond blessed to have the opportunity to be with loved ones on such a momentous occasion, but yet feel only partial present without my dream team in tow.
I miss you. I miss all of you when we are not together.
So I left you Addie, but I'll always come back!
I love you.